Pay More Attention To The Things That Bring You Serenity

Today I woke up, usual Saturday and realized that I felt a sense of calm within me. It was simply from overcoming fear, uncertainty and an emotionally heavy last few months. I believed more, my hope was restored by just existing, continuing my journey, however painful.

Going back to a time last year in 2022 when I was going through a difficult learning curve, I remember feeling empty, distressed and unable to express anything at all. From practice, I knew I needed to keep going on, it had worked for me before when I had a huge heartbreak. My best friend and I broke up just before our Med school graduation.

There were times, I was gasping for air and I was driving. Felt numb and nauseous and had to draw strength from every single cell in my body to keep going. 

I know we don’t talk about all this because it’s not cool, it is unattractive and not perceived positively. But I am here to say it just like it is. Because we live our lives in a fine balance of light and dark, without disregarding an experience or discarding one that is thought to be uncomfortable.

The best thing I did was to keep going despite the struggles. That has been my experience so far since I was 5. I learnt to be self reliant at a very early age. It became a mix of my personality where I juggle with extreme independence and letting myself go with certain individuals. Sharing with anyone, absolutely anyone is the hardest thing to do for me. I rarely open up unless it is someone very close to me and they have to work hard at it too. I am working on opening myself more, giving people a chance, it is a work in progress.

In 2022, I learnt to love myself in the most stressful moments, messy and uncomfortable situations. This journey is an ongoing one, I am learning to stay present and enjoy the moments as they come. 

The goal to be truly happy is a big one for me. I am keeping up with the discipline of reminding myself that I love myself unconditionally, every single day. 

Looking myself in the mirror and telling myself, 'I love you', 'You got this', 'You are going to be okay' is incredibly fulfilling. One, it releases the need for external validation, because I give myself the love and acceptance I need. Second, it makes you your biggest cheerleader. You have to be your biggest cheerleader! I learnt this by observing that other people don't even believe in themselves, how could they believe in you?!

Others cannot be your cheerleaders because oftentimes they aren't their own either. The expectations we have from people are wild, we don't even give that to ourselves.

Of all the lessons I bring into 2023, the biggest one is that I am here. With each deep breath, I tap into the strength and energy that lies within me, it has always existed in me. Sometimes, the noise of this world subdues our own. The incessant chatter of our brain needs to be decluttered. It is easy to recognize and so much more challenging to cultivate in our lives, whatever that looks like for each one us; meditation, yoga, journaling, long walk, exercise, talking to a friend, alone time etc. 

Whatever that might be for you, for me.

Life feels a little lighter today. 
Tomorrow might be heavy, day after catastrophic but today this moment as I sit in the kitchen sipping coffee makes me feel pleasant.