Only if you knew it was you.

"There will come a time in your life when you will become infatuated with a single soul. For this person you'd do anything and not think twice about it, but when asked why ... you have no answer. You'll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but you'll never find out. And no matter how badly you hate it or how badly it hurts ... you'll love this person without regret, for the rest of your life." 

-anonymous 

There's a story which everyone has, but not everyone has a simple story with less villains and less action.

The story starts with two people; a girl and a boy

They both live  a very different existence, their paths have never crossed and it doesn't seem they might any soon.

Theres a difference though, the story is from the girl. 

I don't think I ever believed in love, let alone any feeling of affection towards someone away from my own self. Since school I've this idea of solitary existence. I've had friends, many actually, few close friends. But no one was ever so close to know really my inner thoughts. No one really just could understand my line of thought. Boys and affairs ;extra curricular stuff. That was never on my mind.

Emotions were that part of my personality I’d  not known or seen, I never cried when my sister was going through chemo, but yes I've cried once when I couldn't see her and was just allowed a peek of her through a glass of the hospital room.

The first time I ever really cried was in school when a guy pulled a dirty prank on me, and then my mothers diagnosis came along in 9th grade. All those years somehow have made me stronger and more and more resilient towards emotional pain.

Little did I know that love would come knocking at my door after years in a very strange way, the one I never really imagined. A guy staying far far away from my city and in a place I would never really land up other than some really imp work. I knew I was to leave the country soon, and not just that there were other issues.

He was like a light bubble of happiness, I thought he's literally always happy or says so but its kinda impossible. Yes the impossibilities intrigued me more than the guy himself. He used to write and I knew what kinda petty stuff. I never read his real masterpieces of poetry until I actually was interested in him. 

That was when I went on the blog searching spree and studied him like a subject in the lab, closely, tenderly understanding his words ,dissolving in his flow of poetry and feeling those tears on my lips each time , there was a sad word. It touched my heart, I heard his version of poems in his voice, it was like a halo forming on my head with divine words of longing and love.

He was perfect in the art of chasing, his words of pursuing though were lame they had registered somehow in minute parts of my consciousness. The profound sadness I'd seen in his writing was never to be found in the conversation. And funny part of all of it was his weird ideas about me, the way I spent my dads money , or manipulated other guys and how much I'd hurt other people because I never wanted entanglements.

I didn't know then that this guy one day will become my Zahir. A quest ,a thirst , a zest for going on loving and living each day as it comes. When I realised I'd fallen for him, I was initially scared and didn't know what to do. It was like clouds forming on my head ready to burst with thick droplets of water. He was like a ray of hope in all the sadness gathered in my life, even if his own life wasn't perfect, we both could've found a way one day to diminish that lack of liveliness. Not just because he looked good or he was a pretty good writer. 

He infact could understand me. Everything was much simpler with him, at least it seemed to be that way. He could understand me in a way no one could or ever might. I'd formed a bond with someone who was far away from me and I didn't know a single thing about him. In turn he had come to know everything about me, slowly slowly studying me. 

I'd cried the day he told me he couldn't understand anything, even before we could get clear about all this he was withdrawing. I didn't cry because he hurt me, I've never cried because he hurt me, or never gave this a chance. I've only cried because I knew I was in love and that I was in big trouble. My tears flew because there might never come that day when our paths would cross and we would forget all those days of longing. Aching for the others touch and nuzzling each other intimately.

Even after years, whatever the reason might be, I understood him. I don't know how could someone who loves a person  who doesn't want to continue it, might understand. I stayed silent, I loved each day like death tearing me apart and one day it dawned on me. I'd loved him for who he was, and this entanglement wasn't allowing him to be himself. It took away his freedom; my freedom. We could just think and wait for this turmoil to get over, never knowing  if there was an end to that tunnel.

I've travelled across countries in all this while, and never once left my city my motherland without thinking about him. Even if not seeing him physically or talking to him, I've always remembered him in my thoughts.

When today I think about it, I still have those words inside of me to say, they've never made their way onto my lips. They never will. Sometimes the hardest part is to let go someone. For if your love is enough it'll keep you alive. I let him go, he needed it and that was the only way his soul could be happier. I cared more about him than I did about what we had. 

I still think about my beloved every fraction of that moment I get in solitude. I deny myself the luxury of giving it a name. I cannot face my fears once again. I cannot bring that word on my tongue , I am afraid. This changed me, this introduced me to  my emotional side, taught about suffering and pain. It didn't make me immune to the transfer of those great energies that exist between two souls. It rather made me more receptive. Accepting love showered from any part of life, gratifyingly. My love isn't the greatest, this isn't some love story for the movie screens, it's just a simple story about how love has greater bounds than experience.

Sometimes it's larger than life and I thought it made me emotionally weak, but I've come to realise that it has made me more softer on the inside. I've discovered in myself someone I never thought existed. Tears might still flow, on starry nights and full moon celebrations, but they'll be tears of gratitude and love. In waiting, in anticipation, in acceptance of a truth.