Confused billion souls

Sometimes all I wanna do is cry. And I don't know if crying will help too, because there's so much of this spent up energy, that buried self of yours
Staring out at you from the hooded eyes. It's so much different now. From what I was, to what I've become? The carousel is still turning round and round, the life around changed, I've grown up, but the inside me is still the same. I struggle to find myself in this game of pretension, to discover the true potential.

Photographs over the years have depicted me more deeply than I'd thought, from long hair to short, then again long, the fringes ;the pony tails. The transition is smooth and shiny, it's even glossy on the screen. What I notice is though very revealing. The tear stained face, the swollen eyes, the listless pale appearance. Behind the glossy screen is a ghostly appearance of an amateur girl, innocent no more.

The ride is bumpy, giving scars, making the foundation strong. Or is it just a mask? The swings go up and down, sometimes fast and sometimes calm. I see people. My people.

When I compete one round, I see them no more. They're gone. I'm still moving around, still going ahead.

How long can I do this without breaking apart?

How long, before my mind whirls and I fall sheepishly on the ground?

How long to endure the test?

How far will it go? Not much if you see, it's the same circular motion, repeatedly going on.

I stopped at the second when I saw her going (my so called school friend).

I stopped a few moments, maybe more when I was heartbroken.
I begged for it to stop, but I realized more than anything I wanted it to go on. To not give me time to tumble into pieces. It indefinitely did.

I stopped to catch a breath when I heard it, when I saw it, when that was for the first time I'd seen something like that. I didn't know what to do. It was still moving, my people leaving me.

The constant motion made my head spin, I cried and begged, I blamed and cursed, I resisted and fell, I saw the motion continue, just this time without me.

I was off the game.

I got up and jumped on, for the desperation to be better was higher than breaking point. I shut my doors of zero vision. I got scared of being alone, I didn't trust myself enough to trust anyone else.

I noticed myself fainting, the carousel never stopped moving, I could never get off. And I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

A quaint figure, merely riding on a carousel.