The kiss

Maybe I was thinking about kissing too. And I could see, you were looking at my lips, not staring but periodically yes while I talked, laughed, smiled. It gave me a strong impression that you wanted to kiss me. And I was thinking about that moment when you might actually gather the courage to get closer to me, I wasn't thinking about the kiss, I was rather thinking about whether I'll be fine, if it'll actually happen, and how will I feel, and most importantly whether I'll let you.

I was swimming in my own thoughts while you spoke about airplanes, your most loved topic about which you can rant for hours, and I was just smiling, not listening to you but wondering about your parallel thoughts of touching my lips, and pondering over why you were pushing them in the background. Sidelining such a beautiful urge.

I remember you saying the word landing, when your hand caught my eye, you were moving it doing that action you usually do while talking, i noticed you'd  hair, they were scanty and grouped in circles. I don't really remember much of what you said after that, except for one thing your lips moved, and I wondered at a point why were you even trying to make conversation, why were you continuing when you knew I wasn't into it, why was it so necessary to keep yourself distracted from my lips, and you suddenly had stopped.

We were looking at each other, it was a dark night, we both knew it was time to go home, but I had more important things on my mind at that moment. Like the kiss.

Yes, I was wondering what was keeping you away. Fear? Rejection? Vulnerability? I was looking at you for answers, while you drowned in my eyes, the gaze I didn't block, the stare I felt comfortable in. The first gaze that day, was a forbidden one, stolen one, i'd not permitted you to look at me. Now I was feeling secure in it.

I wanted to just touch your hand, interlace my fingers into yours, i'd this irresistible urge to just lay down my head on your shoulders and stare into oblivion.

And there we were, eyes shining of light in that darkness, facing each other just staring two feet away. We looked at each bodily movement, we'd scrutinized every breath sound and inch of visible skin, we'd desired each other through a thousand splendid universes and not spoken a single word.

The silence there was so numbing, calming, and tranquil but my heartbeat was rapid, I'd suddenly started feeling restless. The tenderness in your eyes was about to drive me away, it made me feel vulnerable, the rawness with which you gazed into me was scary.

I wanted you to kiss me, or not kiss me. Either way I wanted to know if I would let you. If I'll let go, and give in, or push you away with reflex. I wanted to find out.

Suddenly you broke the freezing moment and said goodnight. I sensed fear.

I didn't say a word.
.

And I didn't turn behind to see you walk away.

That day it was the kiss which never happened, that was all that had happened.

Picture credits: Pascal campion art