Vacations: A day is like a year

Today my mother asked me, "What do you do when you are alone?" She says she has been wondering all this while after I landed as to what I really do alone, she often asks me "how is it to be alone all the time?, don't you get bored? Don't you ever talk to anyone that often or that much?" I just listened and started wondering as to what she really meant. Then I thought for a while what to answer.

I reasoned within why she was asking me that. It’s only because I am so quiet at home. I wake up late, and I don't really bother anyone anymore. I read, read or I am out of my house.

I finally answered, "I am just alone, I do talk to my room-mate or someone who is very close, but not often are things the way they would be to please me. When I already know I'll be alone my entire life I am fine with it. I am just engaged with my own self. And it isn't new for me, so I am comfortable." I don't know what she thought later on, but she tried to laugh it off and said you don't want us around. I saw her and she was back to watching her soap opera.

She keeps on saying, don't know how you manage alone, you have to do so many things all by yourself, I don't know why but she worries a lot about me only for that reason. And I seem undeterred, it isn't a big deal. When I know I'll be alone, what more is going to be? Still she wonders, she watches me read, sleep, eat and hugs me (as if she's going to lose me soon.) I don't think I will ever understand her.

I don’t make an attempt to understand her. I don’t want that care. I know  how I’ll have to live that way always.  That’s the life I have chosen. 

These vacations I tried my best to feel at ease, which has been very difficult to say the least.  It’s been so tough, that I am not even able to keep my head clear. There are just so many things going on in my mind, about my career, my studies, and even my dreams are entangled, stressed. I started sleeping in the mornings this week, nothing seems to be helping. I just feel so heavy, my mind is such a swarm of hurdles and bits and pieces.

Everyone around just seems to be pressing in on me, I wake up they want me to talk, to understand them, to respond adequately, to try simplify things. People just seem to hasten me, they have so many things to say and discuss about, and I am just lost. I stand beside my bunch of friends, saying variedly different things, and I am out of this world. I tried socialising just to make me feel normal (That’s what I call it, but I have lost that human touch) I can no more connect. It’s difficult to have relations. I’ll fail in them this way and I have seen it. I just want this phase to be a bit rewarding. I don’t want to go back to studies with a frustrated mind. I don’t want these vacations to have a completely opposite effect on me.

As for my mum, oh well she still thinks I am lost as I write this. Making me eat has been her top priority this year :P :P

So while going back, I’ll be again looking like a filled in balloon. Whoever says I have become weak or whatever, I promptly reply back,  “My mum’s working on it” ;) ;) :D