I don't know what to call it

I sat for a long time staring at this blank document. I was wondering why I didn’t write or for that matter couldn’t write all these months. I don’t know what is it that comes in my mind which makes me feel compelled to pen it down, and then if it’s not that personal then post it here.

One thing that I experienced this week was the sparking fire inside me conditioned by anxiety, nervousness, tension, stress, excitement...and I think many words used from the dictionary would fall short of explaining that mixed feeling.

My heart was continuously pounding. My heart beats were skipped at that one thought. My hands were sweating, I was shivering unnecessarily, I was breathing heavily...nothing could explain the unknown going inside.

I spent two days like two years, and then on the way I was continuously thinking, what particularly I don’t know. I was so so tensed! I knew my life was going to change, but for good or for worse time would tell. I hoped for the best and held my heart against all the pessimism my brain was dragging me into.

My everything was based on it. My future, my life, my existence.

It’s so wonderful to realise that your all worries just ease out when you see that person smiling....some more...then some more.  I just felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world when I saw him smiling, in fact grinning like an idiot that I had to tell him to stop :P

All world just tumbles down to one thought of selfless attitude to tell you that you are in love with someone. You don’t know what happens later....afterwards...or even a nanosecond later...but you can tell one thing, this person will stay for you and you’ll always have him around. That’s the world’s biggest security someone can ever give you.

Then comes a day when that very person doesn’t want to be with you. Reasons are reasonable or not ,doesn’t matter. You  just shatter.

You just happen to close your eyes while hearing those dreaded words, drink in your tears, and have no words on your lips. The moment  makes you blank, you just stand still, even in a place like a bus stop of suburban Mumbai what all you hear is your heavy breathing, the mild huffs of your heart. As you open your eyes, you see people around, you try to act normal, but in the way paralysed you are inside, nothing seems to be helping, it seems like its plain visible on your face.

“She tries to balance her weight from one leg to the other, shifting her gaze from face to face blinking fast, trying hard to stop the tears. The roaring of the AC bus just triggers the breathing, makes it difficult to hear, but rather its all useless because nothing that will happen again is going to help, nothing at all.”

Nobody spends so much time to get to know someone over again, practically nobody has that much of time. Once it ends, everything does.

“Her nervous movements are so engrossing that people around start watching, its really embarrassing, but her forehead has worry lines, and thats just the beginning. She wonders about her future, is there really anything more precious?!  At that moment nothing matters. It multiplies into a severe headache, cups of coffee isn’t of any use. Walking aimlessly in Mumbai is wonderful, shopping half heartedly , being with friends, nothing actually helped. She wonders at night. She’ll keep wondering till the day they’ll be together. She knows they’ll be.

Till then she’ll keep waiting.”

There are times in life when you just stand and watch your life take its own course. You can’t do much about it, you stand helpless, and watch it tumble down to ashes. Your beliefs stay intact, your wait proves fruitful.......someday.......someday.