The last time I said goodbye

  Just a few months back I left you back there.

Leaving a place hadn’t been so difficult for me other than the last time I did. Knowing fully that it had go on for the entire life, leaving your country, leaving your city, everyone out there and going all alone.

I had just mentioned few days back how you didn’t give me time and went to college. You had taken off from college just for me; you had stayed for me, taking out all the time. I didn’t want you to do it, but you did, and I felt really special.

I had been busy those last days, and I was just broke inside for having to leave so soon. We hadn’t discussed any of it till the last two days had dawned, inside both of us were sad, hiding it from the other. I could see you hurt, in pain and scared to be left all by yourself again. I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt helpless.

The last fight we had, those last days were full of uncertainty, love that had blossomed was conditioned by circumstances, it was difficult for us, more so for you. I had seen you fight with your own self to try being as strong as ever. You were.

It was so painful for me, that I used to just look at your message and tears would roll down my eyes, hiding it, I used to fall asleep, wondering all night, dead tired but struggling for some more time. Just some more. Hoping for a miracle every night for each of those last days.

I wasn’t well the last two days. Being up late for hours at end, and thinking excessively had taken a toll on me, I still feel guilty about it, how much just how much time I wasted in all that. You would wait for me to wake up and talk to you, which was so difficult. Every time I opened my eyes I would think of you, knowing that you were waiting for me to get well. It didn’t happen though. I was down till the moment I reached the airport.

I remember how desperate I was to get just a few moments with you, listening to you, promising you, saying those last few, some words. I remember how difficult it was for you to hold a strong ground, and bid me adieu with a smile even though a weak one. The day before I had my flight, you dedicated me the song “Leaving on a jet plane” and I only know what all I felt, and how hard I tried to fight those tears back, but they just wouldn’t stop.

The silent conversation we had, with just heavy breathing exchanged between us, not a word was spoken,   it was painful for us and later I broke down, and cried that morning.  I tried to be so strong but it was becoming difficult by each passing minute.

The day dawned and my health was still down. I couldn’t think straight, I was so much into pain that I just couldn’t help my condition. On the other hand you were waiting for me to get better, which seemingly felt impossible. Last day I was just so distant, there were no feelings, when I finally woke up feeling better you had slept off waiting. I felt like whispering these lines into your ears and wake you up,

“Now the time has come to leave you,

One more time oh, let me kiss you,

Close your eyes and I’ll be on my way.”

The whole time while on my way to the airport I was thinking of you, numb, tears had long dried, nothing was left to feel after those overwhelmingly felt emotions.

The time was coming closer, the clock was ticking away. I checked in and spoke to you; you didn’t leave me till the time I was inside the plane. I felt so wonderful and sad simultaneously. The airhostesses were arranging everything, my eyes were moving around watching the mute activity, I was deaf to everything other than your sound in my ears, and it felt so assuringly secure.

 I knew in a few minutes it would all end. And I really wanted the best out of me at that moment, but I was just blank. I hardly spoke to you, you continually asked me if I was fine, but I was just dumbfounded, I had never felt so sad ever in my life.

I wanted to end the call and just cry, but you didn’t leave me, you knew I wasn’t fine. I suddenly realised I had failed in so many things, I couldn’t be someone you wanted me to be, I couldn’t be close to you when you needed me the most. To make it worse I was leaving the country. It was so unfair.

The call had ended. I sent you my last text before switching off my cell phone. I said, “I’ll be back soon.” There were infinite feelings in those few words too; everything I wanted to say had made their way out in those words.

The seat belts were fastened, the slow motion of the plane had started while I silently realised “I am going away, I am going far away”.  Felt like a surge running through me, shivers down my spine, making it difficult to breathe, 

 It’s unpredictable, if life will go on or just stop at that cornering turn of your life.

The slow movements, the noise as the plane slowly caught pace made me feel broke, choked with emotions, I just buried my head in my hands and promised myself to make it happen, I cried.

 I felt like a loser, leaving back my other half. There just wasn’t any way to escape; I had some responsibilities to adhere to.  I always wanted you to be there with me at least till the time I left, and you were, however hard it must have been, you did it for me.

The last time I said goodbye was really breaking.

 I only realised there would be more to come, more painful that the last but at the end of it all, “I would be with you.”

The tears just roll down my cheeks as the memories of that day come flooding back. I dread that word, and I dread the most painful part of parting, the last.....................................................................

"Someone named dutch2lips wrote a poem after getting inspired by my post
http://tanvinimkar.blogspot.com/2010/06/girl-with-red-rose-one-day-i-was.html
You can view it here http://allpoetry.com/poem/9117509-Do_people_care_-by-dutch2lips "