Life in me

As I stand today in my balcony overlooking the shiny street, fresh from the cleaning at the dead of night, I feel the wind blowing on my face, on this chilly and starry night. Eyes are teary, the coldness grips my body. I have been feeling strange, something missing, maybe again unanswered questions looming around. But this dark hour of the night, the serene environment, just a car or two moving in my sight, street lights shining, the red leaves dancing with the stormy wind. It’s one such night, when answers again are asked by this soul inside me. I let this life come in me, just some few days back, it’s so beautiful, just the feeling of it. But then there are always some big questions, which ruins, spoils the moments of bliss and solitude.

I don’t know if I give too much importance to things which don’t matter, or is it that I am just too overtly emotional today?! Again a question, questioning my feelings. This life in me is alive for some people really close, but I wonder where this soul exists in me. Why is it that just some, small words also break me hard? When I should retaliate back, why do I take a step back and be nice again? I fear if I give in too much, I’ll leave stuffs I have a right on and in turn get nothing but a terrible void. It’s simple, I should stop giving. But the question is, “How?”

I am alive; I breathe this life in and out numerous times in a minute, hour, days, months and years. But I question my very survival again. I don’t know how much of this struggle is still remaining? How much will this heart try to hide it inside, suppress the feelings, and still smile and move on again, again every day, every moment again the same, just again and again.

I don’t know why in this whole lot of crowd, the buzzing university and hostel life, studies, cycles, hectic schedules, I still want a breather. I want my moment of ‘me’. It instils life in me, keeps me going, for something better, for my dreams, for this world I plan to create. I don’t know if anyone’s going to support me. I don’t even expect, I don’t need anyone in this rigorous fight! I am strong enough to fight it out. Just sometimes I fall weak, I withdraw from the world, my friends, and I stop socialising. I know it’s bad, but I can’t help it, I need this breather.

Darkness reveals a lot of things, only those people sleep who fear this void. When I stand here, I can never avoid the temptation of overlooking the church across the street, far but still in sight, standing tall since two centuries. Again the mystery, the cold gripping, numbs my soul to the extent that I feel no more. Nothingness engulfs me hard. In as I stand, let the coldness in, burning sensation, breathing hard, bouncing back, holding it in, letting out, (Sigh) once and for all.

Living the life, as it is in me. Will leave it soon, once I am tired of it. But will live till the life has burned me hard, numbed me so that I’ll never rise again, just to get a new “Life in me”

“The darkness fills a void, 

Letting it in, 

Shivering through, 

Bleeding profusely, 

Breathing hard, 

Letting it go, 

Once and for all.

The darkness fills a void,

Makes this heart,

Wonder for its heaven,

Just breathing,

Taking life as it comes,

Holding the torch of life,

Leading the way,

Filling life in me.”