Life as it is

Today my hands are shaking, my heart pounding, I am filled with a cold wave coming in from the balcony..... This feels like I am scared, and so much that I can’t think straight.

This heart is out of words today, the silence that is closing in on me has got the better of me, and someone who I am not, I am pretending to be. The me, underneath me is still closed, I can’t bloom out in the wild, the bloody shackles of cruelty binds me. The world out there scares me to the core. This hand of mine which types, has blood running in past the rush of my fear. The sun out seems hollow; it has no sunshine, because somewhere and somehow I have lost it on my way here.

The greens that have bloomed and brought a pleasant weather don’t give me any joy, for its been a year and I still am somewhat deep into my confusion. I don’t know, what people around me take it as, maybe it is my childishness. I don’t deny neither do I accept. I may get mad at people sometimes, and when I can’t control you better get off, or you are dead. But over the last year I have changed, I have sensed that my anger has changed, it had moulded more into thoughtfulness and aloofness.

If today we talk about life, in general, my life particularly, as it is, then I am down on my spirits. I hide my tears, I have learnt to take it the way it is, fight everything boldly, and then at the end of my never ending battle (Sometimes with self) I am tired, and tired of everything. I sound idiotic even to myself but that’s how I feel. My heart is hard as a stone; its feelings are known only to itself. But somewhere I loosen up my control and my vulnerability is seen.

A long long battle, of silence. Today I am closing all the walls of silent words, I am closing that part of my brain which can analyse, think and get into deep thoughts about that one thing. It is so naive on my part that it didn’t even matter back then, but now I can feel how badly it affected. It has changed me, changed the way I speak, the way I think, and the way I maybe. I don’t regret it, but somewhere I miss my old self.... I can’t get back to the old life.

Today this silence of music, the silence of this wind, silence of my mind and the numbness somewhere deep down my spine it runs.......... my life as it is.......

How well I can tell you about my life, I have no clue, do I even want to explain anyone anything? Why I am suddenly writing this? I don’t know..... Just started and now it seems that end has come near. The end of everything awaits the soul’s permission.

Here comes my end, end of the lines that are still silent inside. The silence that kills. Sleep gathers no rest, day has no sunshine, and my soul yet again awaits the presence of snow, which is so soothing and lovely. The sun smiles on the folks, I am the shadow in the dark, the negativity grips me like the clouds of destiny. One day I know I’ll love this life as it is.