That something...

                             

               It’s when we close our eyes that we can see the truth..... Under those deeply situated eyeballs, some inevitable things that seem so distant but oh so complicated at the same time. When I see in your eyes, I can easily see the doubt, the confusion over us, and the questions which go unanswered. I can so obviously see those questions, but I wait for your melodious voice to speak up... in this long wait you never gather the courage to tell me the unbelievable and the most beautiful.... J

I search into my own consciousness for some answers you intend to ask, but I very well know you won’t ever ask, and as it is I have no answer for you... It was never the tradition of our family to question decisions... the smiling eyes, the light smile, I see it in your eyes some years when you were that so handsome and young man, I have seen you smiling warmly when you meet those ripe people. Sitting in the back room of the big house, cold winds blowing on our faces, the small back gate, and adjoining room lit with elegant candles, its past midnight, it’s as quiet as a wild misty night coming  around the old canvas of the unfinished painting on the porch. I gaze upon the ancient picturesque furnishings which are the same elegant pieces and still very strong... the big bedroom upstairs, with the curtains of transparent fabric peculiar of the old days, and the big wooden carved bed which makes one feel like a king.

I keep on running around the house, but I am afraid of the darkness on the second floor where I get carried away with the stories of haunted mansions, and run downstairs to you. You know what happened , and you smile just like always and carry on your conversation, the poppy uncle sitting with you, strokes my hair , kisses me and tells lightly, “Motabhai, Bahut raat thai gayi che. Aaojo!” he leaves the mansion as quietly as he entered. I look at you and around the clandestine room, so very elegant, beautiful with walls bearing pictures of my forefathers, of hunting scenes, of family photos and my great-great-grandmother wearing the big diamond necklace which embraces her whole neck making it utterly invisible, which now my mother owns, and which will further go to my sis-in law.

It’s now well into the dawn, and just three more hours for sunrise. You and me go up the big bedroom upstairs, you make me sleep and smile, I insist on ghost stories, you smile and sit on the chair beside the bed, just when you get in the middle of the story you notice I am fast asleep. Quietly you leave the room closing the door behind you. And go downstairs to your bedroom. You do your work of taking medicines and try to sleep on the cosy soft bed.  Your eyes flutter open on the slightest noise in the mansion and very often go up and down the whole house several times, the rakhawala tells you, “Bapuji soo jao.”

It’s always an early morning, mom dad and grandma and you sit on the porch having tea and talking about the fields and its yield. I get up with the traces of sunlight in my room from the deep horrible dreams about getting lost in the jungle, and going far away alone. My perspiration left me restless and I thought several times of coming to your room downstairs, but I was afraid of the dark, and rules don’t allow me to disturb you.... I can see the whole family from my window sitting in the garden, and I quickly get ready to go down. There’s no one in the huge mansion, only the maid who has horrible red eyes and who coughs frequently. It’s a beautiful morning outside; people in the Wada are busy in their daily chores, milking the cows, making food etc...

With all the things that I still dislike about my house, and the stories of it being haunted with women who did suicide in our garden well, its takes the life out of me and gives me creeps. There is that something, which attracts me here; even after being away for five years I was excited to come here, to meet you. To see the fields far away, and water being drawn from the well. To have  hot tea in the garden, and to have dinner on the terrace, to sleep with the glowing stars and to witness the fresh morning knocking at the doors yet again and everyday.....

I know you still have questions, sending me away for studies was never acceptable to you,  for the fear of losing me to the cruel world, you still want to hold me tight in your hands, however grown-up I maybe. That something, I still can’t figure out about my attraction for this old family house..... one day when I’ll be back, and the way I’ll feel, maybe I’ll get my answers...... but I know one thing I will be definitely back.

"As I am taken away from you, I see in your eyes a void, which no one can fill, a deep sorrow whose quench only love can fill ...... ..... ..... ..... ......"

You are now all alone, left alone in that big home, which is now just a house!

That something’s still bothers me, the faraway look in your eyes make my heart weep, I can’t stop thinking about you, though you don’t do as expected, I know there’s something, I know what’s that, I know...... I cry, and I weep, my tears flow abounds... I miss you... And I don’t wanna lose.

My skin is piping hot, temperature kills my freshness, things are hazy looking and my still my love for you is beyond any words. Just if you could understand, and if I could tell you.... I never wanna lose you....

Yours,