Thoughts of solitude

To say Goodbye

Sitting in my room, i thought of the time i had been with my friends, a farway thought it seemed and besides it  rained on me, the fact of life and how cruel it can all be..... :(

The security and truth of life that i thought would be mine was all destroyed. By now all that i planned had become a rude acquaintance a mere dream which i thought was mine. I was shattered and shell broken with just the thought of all it. “I have to face it”, I said to myself. “I will have to take it in and come out with a changed me. This period is just making me more strong, though i am all alone in this battle, i have no choice and still have to go on.”

              The words made me feel, just the way i presumed people would when they were about to die........ They didn’t give me any assurance nor they could any false pretence to my bleeding heart. It was all like a very nightmarish dream i have always had, the only difference was it refused to leave me ‘cause it was the bitter truth...the only one i know could not be changed but taken for granted. It was holely my choice, everyone tried and tested me to their satisfaction, now they knew i was not that capable, and they left me to decide what i wanted to do with my half burnt life. I just could see the harm done to my self-confidence and esteem. It couldn’t be more cruel than this, i was not able to tell any of my friends’ what i was going through and what i was exactly feeling. I couldn’t because i was afraid and i was broken like hell to face any of their questions.

                        It dawned on me at that very time what my life was thrusting on me. It wanted me to move on, leaving my current life to another one altogether, where i wouldn’t belong to and to which i was a complete alien.

I am still desperately seeking something that would take me back to where i started off, i know it isn’t possible but thats where i still can’t convince myself, on that very road to seeking the eternal truth and the direction of life. What i had dreamed of becoming was a mere stone in the vast crust. I am about to fall off my feet, thinking about it makes me more aware of my vulnerabilities.  What i thought was mine and that long lost dream of mine,which i literally lived all these years is about to get crushed. And i am a mere spectator to it, i am seeing my own death, with the hands of my own blood. It still isn’t called a murder, but i call it a para-natural death.

I am about to die, the thoughts of time are killing me, i just wish all good for every living being and a more better end than that of mine. I wish to say goodbye for the last time..................................................................................